During sex, you should: (a) grunt, (b) moan, or (c) talk?

Dear Reader, 

Why not all the above? Porn and socially created gender roles often tell people that there’s a certain way to have sex and act during sex. But there isn’t a right or wrong answer here—you can make noises and talk as much or as little as suits you. Hopefully learning more about sexual vocalization and nonverbal communication empowers you to land on a decision that feels right to you and your sexual partner(s).  

Why do people make noise during sex?  

There are a few theories about why humans make noise during sex: 

• Vocalization during sex is an unconscious and spontaneous sign of pleasure. 
• Making noise happens unconsciously because of vigorous physical activity during sex. 
• Some people consciously grunt or moan to please their partner or help bring them to orgasm. 

That said, some of the noises made during sex happen intentionally, while others are involuntary. So, while you might have a plan about whether to talk or make noises during sex, some grunts and moans might sneak out whether you’d like them to or not. 

Why do people talk during sex?  

Some people also choose to talk during sex. You might choose to talk if you want to tell your partner(s) about what you want them to do (or stop doing). Telling your sexual partner(s) your positive feelings can increase your chance of pleasure and orgasm and decrease pain and discomfort. 

Other people might be less willing to talk during sex. This might be because of fear about hurting your sexual partner’s feelings and potentially putting the relationship at risk. Choosing not to talk could also be a result of feeling uncomfortable about not knowing quite what to say or maybe you find that it takes away from the act itself. 

Do you have to make noise or talk during sex?  

Definitely not! Sex is an intimate connection between you and your partner(s) and whether you want to talk or make noise is ultimately up to the comfort levels of those involved. If you feel comfortable with a conversation before you’re in the act, you might consider discussing with your sexual partner(s) how and whether you want to vocalize during sex. If talking or making noises isn’t in your comfort zone, it may be helpful to know that nonverbal communication—like facial expressions and body movements, like arching your back—can also function to express pleasure during sex. 

Why might talking about sex (not during sex itself) be helpful?   

Whether or not you talk during sex is a preference you might choose to explore. However, your sexual and relationship health might benefit from talking about sex at other times. Talking about sex (including whether you want it, how you want to do it, your sexual history, and your feelings about family planning) can lead to safe and consensual sex, safer sex practices, and more enjoyable sex. Research has found that sexual couples who talk about sex report higher sexual satisfaction. What an incentive!  

Having sex doesn’t have to be a stressful multiple-choice test. Wishing you the best of luck landing on an answer that works best for you.