How can I feel more comfortable with gynecological exams as a virgin?

Dear Reader 1 and Just Wondering, 

From preventative care to managing chronic conditions, there are lots of good reasons to go to the gynecologist—whether you’re sexually active or not. While gynecological visits and procedures can be intimidating, or even uncomfortable, they should never make you feel violated. Finding a provider whom you trust and advocating for your needs can help to make the experience less stressful.  

What is virginity and who defines it? 

The term “virgin” typically refers to someone who’s never had sex before. However, the definition of sex seems to change from person to person. So, sex and virginity can mean different things to different people. For instance, some people think that losing your virginity means having penis-in-vagina sex for the first time, but people who’ve had oral or anal sex may not identify as virgins.   

Some people believe that you’re no longer a virgin if your hymen has stretched open. However, some people are born with hymens that naturally are open. There are others who may have torn or stretched their hymen from doing sports, riding a bike, or undergoing medical procedures. The definition of virginity depends on many social, cultural, and religious factors and ultimately, it's up to you to decide how you define it. 

Should virginity influence your decision to go to the gynecologist? 

In short, no. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends that teens start visiting a gynecologist between the ages of 13 and 15—this can be before they become sexually active. That said, it’s also recommended to visit the gynecologist once you become sexually active, or at least once before the age of 21.  

Whether you’re sexually active or not, there are lots of reasons to pay the gynecologist a visit. Preventative care such as pap smears can help detect abnormal or precancerous cells in the cervix.  

During the visit, you can also discuss: 

• birth control options  
• pain or discomfort during sex  
• solutions for heavy or irregular periods, or  
• any other concerns you have  

What can you expect from a gynecological visit? 

A provider will likely ask you questions about your medical history and sexual activity. They may also conduct a physical examination and use a tool called a speculum to examine the inside of your vagina. If needed, they can perform tests and provide treatment for any conditions like sexually transmitted infections (STIs), urinary tract infections, and rashes or bumps in the genital region that you may be experiencing.  

How can you have a better experience at the gynecologist? 

It’s not uncommon to feel anxious before or during a gynecological visit. After all, some procedures can cause pain and discomfort, or a feeling of loss of control over your body. Medical tools and devices can also be intimidating—the speculum, commonly used during pap smears and pelvic exams, was designed more than 150 years ago and hasn’t changed much since. Gynecological exams can be nerve-wracking for people with prior negative experiences with gynecological exams; limited sexual experience or limited experience with gynecological exams; or a history of sexual trauma.  

While a trip to the gynecologist’s office might be unpleasant, there are ways to make it less stressful. These include:  

• Letting your provider know if you’re anxious or if it’s your first time having a procedure 
• Informing your provider if you’ve experienced sexual assault or trauma so they can provide appropriate support during certain procedures 
• Asking your provider to let you know when a portion of an exam may feel uncomfortable or when to expect a sensation of pressure 
• Asking your provider to use a smaller instrument—they may be able to use a narrower and shorter speculum if you’ve never had sex before 
• Asking your provider if you can collect the vaginal sample yourself 
• Practice mindful breathing and other relaxation techniques during the exam 
• Have someone you trust present  

What else can you do to find support with these concerns? 

Gynecological procedures may be uncomfortable or awkward, but they shouldn’t make you feel violated. Have you discussed these concerns with your provider? If so, how did the conversation go? Managing chronic conditions can take a toll—both physically and mentally. Have you considered speaking with a mental health professional to address any feelings or concerns you have related to invasive medical procedures? In speaking with a mental health provider, you may also be able to get support with navigating how your chronic condition has affected your life.  

If you don’t feel comfortable with your current provider, it’s perfectly okay to find a new provider. You could search online or ask people you trust for recommendations. It might help to ask them why they like a certain provider so you can decide what would help you feel comfortable. Like other relationships, the relationship between you and your health care provider should be based on trust and respect and hopefully finding someone that you feel comfortable with can help you to feel more at ease during these exams.  

Take care!