How can my long-distance girlfriend and I improve communication?

What should I do about my long distances girlfriend's lack of communication (AC)  

Dear Bubbles,  

Long-distance relationships can be challenging in general, and if your girlfriend is experiencing transitions in her life or dealing with trauma from the past, sustaining your bond from afar may be especially tough. You express that you’re unsatisfied with the amount of communication in your relationship. As a first step, it may be helpful to plan for, and have, a conversation with your partner about this concern so you both have the opportunity to share your point of view. If your partner shares any potentially traumatic experiences she may have had, consider asking her what support or help she wants or needs rather than guessing on your own. Continue reading to learn more about conveying your desire for communication, different ways to bond with your partner from a distance, and how to best support your partner through difficulties and trauma. 

How can you tell your partner you want more communication? 

While it may seem redundant, communicating your desire for more communication is key. Before you speak with your girlfriend about how you’ve been feeling, it may be helpful to reflect on what communication means to you and how much of it you want. Some questions you may find useful include:  

• How much communication would you like in your relationship?  
• What kinds of communication do you desire? Is a phone call enough or are you hoping for video chats? Are there means of communication that you both enjoy over others?  
• What do you think could improve communication between you and your girlfriend?  
• Do you have regular times that you can reach out to one another? 

Talking through some of these questions with her may help you create a mutually agreeable plan for how—and how often—you’ll communicate while being long-distance. Articulating what you want before you get in the heat of the convo may help keep you on track and allow you to more adequately communicate your feelings. Consider writing it out or practicing what you want to say in the mirror before having the discussion as an additional way to stay on track.  

What are some ways to maintain long-distance communication? 

If you’re searching for some new ways to maintain long-distance communication, you may consider discussing:  

• Setting up scheduled times to have phone calls, video calls, or text conversations. 
• Determining if you want to text throughout the day or only at certain times. 
• Planning virtual date nights. 
• Sending each other pictures or creating a shared photo album so you can update and keep up with each other's day-to-day. 
• Playing video games together. 
• Writing each other letters. 
• Doing individual activities while on a video or phone call. 

Beyond the logistics of contact, support in a relationship can ebb and flow depending on what each partner has going on at a specific time. Revisiting your conversation about communication regularly can help reestablish your expectations and navigate times when one of you may need additional support.  

How can you support your partner with difficulties and trauma? 

Whether a person is going through general life difficulties or a traumatic incident, the care and attention you give them should always be on their terms. Respecting their boundaries and checking in before giving support can help ensure this.  

You mention that there could be many reasons for your girlfriend’s behavior and unresponsiveness. Rather than speculating what she may be experiencing, asking her about her changed behavior may be the most effective and respectful way to approach this situation. While you've been told by your girlfriend’s roommate that she experienced sexual assault, keep in mind that you did not get this information from your girlfriend herself. She may have her own reasons for not speaking to you about this and, most importantly, it’s up to her to decide who she does and doesn’t tell. Consider focusing your conversation on what you’ve noted about communication and let your girlfriend know that you’re there for her rather than placing the blame on an incident that she herself hasn’t told you about.  

If it’s the case that your girlfriend turns to you for support after sharing a trauma, consider trying your best to: 

• Listen to what your girlfriend tells you without pressing for more information. 
• Believe her. 
• Only offer advice if asked for it. 
• Don’t dismiss or criticize her experience or reactions. 
• Manage your expectations regarding the healing process. 
• Learn what topics or experiences may be triggering to her.  
• Offer to help with practical tasks such as planning her schedule or making phone calls. 
• Help her set boundaries if wanted. 
• Plan activities that may be relaxing or fun. 

List adapted from Mind 

In the end, both of you maintaining independence and finding lives outside of a long-distance relationship might strengthen your partnership. With any new situation, it can take time to learn how to balance and schedule priorities. In any case, it might be helpful to think about resources you can offer if it turns out your speculations about her assault are correct, and she asks for your support in accessing professional help. 

Wishing you and your girlfriend the best as you navigate the distance,