What are the (sexual) bases?

Dear Wondering, 

Sports metaphors have a long history in American popular culture. From football to baseball, they’ve been used to talk about war, politics, and yes, sex. Despite its prevalence and popularity, the baseball metaphor can be a problematic way to think about sex. It creates the false impression that sex has certain rules, goals, and order of play, depending on your gender and sexual orientation. When it comes to defining the bases, or steps involved in the sexual activity you’re participating in, that’s up to you and your partner(s) to communicate about and agree upon.  

What are the bases when it comes to sexual activity? 

The baseball metaphor can mean different things to different people. While there are no standard definitions, one popular version suggests that “first base” is kissing, “second base” is touching a woman’s breast, and “third base” involves touching someone else’s genitals. “Scoring” or “hitting a home run” usually refers to vaginal intercourse that ends with someone with a penis having an orgasm and ejaculating.  

So, what’s wrong with the baseball metaphor? 

Despite its cultural popularity, the baseball metaphor can be very problematic. At its core, it presents sex as a game between two opposing teams. This usually takes place between those who identify as men and those who identify as women, with the expectation that one partner (usually the man) aggressively tries to move the game forward. While the other (usually the woman) tries to resist or slow it down. In this game, the man is usually the player, and the woman is the field upon which the game is played.  

The metaphor can also be alienating for people who identify as LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer). The term “playing for the other team” is often used to refer to someone who identifies as gay or lesbian, which assumes that the “home team” is always a heterosexual couple.  

The idea of “rounding the bases” also creates the false impression that sex has a strict playbook by which things should be carried out. The progression from first to third base can make it seem like kissing always has to lead to vaginal intercourse, and that stopping before that is akin to leaving the game unfinished. The order of the bases also suggests that vaginal intercourse is more important than other types of sexual activity, and that it’s not possible to go back to one activity after finishing another. This can make it seem as if following a script during sex is more important than individual desires.  

What else is missing in this metaphor? 

Unfortunately, this metaphor fails to take into account consent. Consent is all about setting and honoring boundaries. Boundaries allow you to define how you want to be treated. While it’s best if all parties can agree clearly before participating in any sexual activity, people can and often do change their minds before or during sex.  

The acronym “FRIES” is a helpful way to remember the principles of consent:  

• Freely given: Consenting is a choice that all parties make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
• Reversible: Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime—even if you've done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.
• Informed: You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
• Enthusiastic: When it comes to sex, this means only doing what you want to do, not what you feel you’re expected to do. People can also express enthusiasm differently.
• Specific: Saying yes to one thing (like making out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).  

List adapted from Planned Parenthood 

There isn’t a script you need to follow when it comes to sex. Intimacy is a shared experience, shaped by trust, open communication, and a willingness to understand each other’s needs and desires. So long as all parties feel safe, comfortable, and respected, the ball is in anybody’s court.