Cite this Response
Alice! Health Promotion. "Will an abortion ruin our relationship?." Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University, 24 Feb. 2025, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/will-abortion-ruin-our-relationship. Accessed 04, Mar. 2025.
Alice! Health Promotion. (2025, February 24). Will an abortion ruin our relationship?. Go Ask Alice!, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/will-abortion-ruin-our-relationship.
Dear Alice,
Recently my girlfriend and I purchased a home pregnancy test and it came out positive. Four days later, we were sitting in a clinic awaiting her name to be called for an abortion. My girlfriend wouldn't hear of any idea but going through the process as quickly as possible.
Throughout the entire experience I tried to be as supportive as possible, taking as much care of her and giving her as much love as I could, and in the meantime suppressing as much of the stress I was under as I could; she has even told me that I was 'perfect' throughout the whole thing. The period following the procedure, though, has been a roller coaster ride: she was subject to mood swings, going from a state of total bliss in my company to practically despising my existence.
She told me she wants time away from me. She is convinced that an experience like this (an abortion) irrevocably changes a relationship. She is pro-choice, but this abortion has affected her more than she expected; she cannot shake the feeling that she killed our child — she has even dreamed about the would-be baby...
Now, I understand that an abortion can bring a person to her emotional knees, regardless of how she might have thought about it previously. But here I am witnessing her shutting me completely out... and I ask myself, is this how it has to be? I love her very, very much — she absolutely means the world to me. She has repeatedly let me know she feels the same about me. How do people deal with this crisis? Is this common? What are the resources available for CU students, post-abortion? How do I convince her that this doesn't have to be the undoing of our relationship, or am I wrong in believing this fate can be avoided?
—Pining for the most precious person I've ever known
Dear Pining for the most precious person I’ve ever known,
An abortion can bring up a range of emotions, as you and your girlfriend have found. There’s no right way to manage or cope with those feelings. Ultimately, every person’s experience is different. An abortion doesn’t have to end your relationship, but just like other major life changes, it may have an effect. Trying to understand your girlfriend’s feelings while remaining loving and supportive is a great way to show her that you care and might be helpful in strengthening the relationship moving forward.
What emotional effects can an abortion have?
People may have a lot of different feelings shortly after an abortion. These might include guilt, shame, or grief, and can change over time or co-exist with things like happiness, relief, and acceptance.
Additionally, there can be some emotional effects associated with having an unplanned pregnancy. These can further complicate the feelings surrounding an abortion.
That said, research has shown that getting an abortion doesn’t usually have long-lasting effects on mental health. Since these changes in your life have been relatively recent, it may help to reflect on this again as you get further away from the experience.
How can an abortion affect your relationship?
With so many emotions arising and changing, it’s natural for your relationship to evolve in any number of ways. Some couples might be brought closer together. Others might need some space—either to avoid associating one another with the abortion or just to have some time alone. Since your girlfriend is asking for some space, giving this to her can help to demonstrate the ways in which you respect what she wants and needs. It might allow each of you time to process your feelings on your own. Also, taking a step back may help to relieve some of the tension in your relationship.
An abortion doesn’t necessarily have to end your relationship, but there’s a chance that it will. You can try letting your girlfriend know that you want to stay together but know that it might strain your relationship if you resist her requests for space.
How can you support your girlfriend after an abortion?
It’s great that you and your girlfriend have been speaking about your feelings. Asking questions can be a great way to learn how she feels and how you can best support her.
That said, if she doesn’t want to talk to you, you could encourage her to talk to a friend or family member. If you haven’t been talking to a mental health professional, seeking one out at this stage of your relationship might be a good way to work through your feelings either together or separately.
While searching for support, whether online or in person, being mindful about where the resources come from can help ensure you find those that will be most helpful for your circumstances. Sources that reference terms like post-abortion syndrome (a condition that isn’t medically recognized) or describe themselves as a crisis pregnancy center may not have accurate information In many instances, these centers aren’t real medical clinics, and they aren’t required to provide accurate health information. Their goals may include spreading disinformation about sexual health including birth control and abortion.
No matter what approach you take, supporting her wishes and being there for her in the ways that she requests may help you maintain your relationship.
Good luck!