Can you tell me more about Asexuality?

Dear Reader, 

Thank you for asking about asexuality! It's a wild card in the wonderful deck of human attraction. Asexuality is often under-researched and frequently misunderstood, but it’s always worth shuffling into the conversation. Read on to learn more about asexuality, the asexual spectrum, different types of attraction, and resources that can be used to support asexual experiences.  

What is asexuality? 

Asexuality (also known as ace) is a sexual orientation where people feel little to no sexual attraction to others. They may have little to no desire for intimacy, romance, or sex, and that’s okay. It's part of who they are. Everyone's experience with asexuality is unique. Under the asexual umbrella, there are a variety of identities that reflect different experiences of asexuality (more on this later).  

Just like any other sexual orientation, asexuality isn’t a choice. Some people realize they’re asexual when they’re teenagers, while others figure it out later in life. That said, asexuality isn’t the same as choosing celibacy or having a health condition that dampens the libido. Asexuality is about attraction, not a temporary feeling or lifestyle choice.   

What is the asexual spectrum? 

The asexual community is diverse and reflects a spectrum of experiences. Some people feel no sexual attraction at all, others experience it rarely, and some may find their attraction only sparks in certain situations. This range of experiences is called the asexual spectrum, or ace-spec for short. The asexual spectrum shows that there’s no single way to be asexual.  

For example, graysexual people may feel sexual attraction, but only once in a blue moon—rarely or under specific circumstances. Demisexual people, on the other hand, usually need to develop an emotional bond first before they feel sexual attraction. There are many more identities under asexuality since each person’s asexual journey is different, and that’s worth embr-acing. 

Are there different types of attractions? 

Regardless of sexual orientation, people may explore different types of attractions. One framework used to explain this is  the Split Attraction Model (SAM), which captures the distinction between sexual, romantic, platonic, sensual, and aesthetic attraction. For example, you can appreciate someone’s appearance, enjoy their company, or feel close to them without necessarily experiencing sexual attraction. Not everyone uses the SAM, but for many, it’s a useful tool to navigate their experiences and find the words that best describe their sexuality.   

Romantic and sexual attractions are often treated as the same, but they can be from a separate deck of cards. Romantic attraction to someone can include wanting to go on dates, forming a close bond, or pursuing a romantic relationship. You can do all this without experiencing sexual attraction. On the flip side, you can feel sexually attracted to someone without having any romantic pull towards them. This experience is sometimes called aromanticism, which is different from asexuality.  

Are there any useful resources for asexuality?  

Many people in the asexual community feel pressured to conform to societal norms that treat sex and sexual attraction as universal experiences. Resources and community for those with common experiences can be helpful in feeling more supported. Online spaces like The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN), PFLAG, or The Trevor Project are great sources of information that can also provide valuable help, understanding, and a sense of solidarity for asexual communities.  

Whether you identify as asexual or you’re simply learning more, understanding asexuality may help in broadening perspectives on relationships and identity.  

Here’s to acing it,