What should I do if my boyfriend says no to role-playing?

Dear Bored in Bed, 

It seems like you and your partner might be reading from different scripts when it comes to role-play. A conversation clarifying what you’d like the role-play to involve may help you get on the same page. Read on to learn more about role-play, how you can talk to your partner about role-play, and what role-play scenarios you might consider together with your partner.  

What is role-play? 

Role-play is about slipping into a persona or exploring scenarios different from your daily life. It can be a fun way to explore other dynamics in your relationship, spice things up, and express sides of yourself that you might usually keep backstage. Role play may, or may not, involve having sex. Communication, consent, and boundaries are key players when performing a scene.  

How can you talk to your partner about role-play?  

Before getting into character, it’s best to check in with your partner about what feels good, what’s off-limits, and what you’re both curious to try when it comes to sex more generally. Since you’ve brought up role-play with your partner before, it can help to revisit the conversation slowly and intentionally. You might start from a place of reassurance, letting them know you’d like to add a little extra flavor to the bedroom and one way to do it is to explore fun scenes together.   

Keep in mind, however, that your partner might not imagine role-playing the same way as you do. There might be some misconceptions about what role-play is, such as the idea that role-play means imagining or acting like someone else. If that comes up, one way you can approach this is by talking about what role-play means to each of you.  

Clarifying what role-play involves for you may clear up any confusion. And if you’re both open to it, talking about fantasies can be a great way to ease into role-play. Sharing what gets you buzzing can give you a better sense of what scenes might feel exciting and comfortable to explore. 

What are some role-play scenarios that you might consider?  

For role-pay newbies, you don’t have to dive straight into intricate costumes or complex plots. Keep it simple with scenarios that create a playful power dynamic or pretend you’re strangers who meet for the first time.  

Role-play doesn’t mean always becoming someone else; sometimes it’s about letting a different side of you take the lead. Consider starting by trying an exaggerated or reimagined version of yourself. That way, your partner doesn’t feel like they’re with a different person—just a more flirty or confident version of you.  

Other potential scenarios you might consider are that you’re a no-nonsense doctor, a charming artist, a mysterious stranger at the bar, or even a sassy barista who takes extra foam very seriously. There are many playful scenarios you can explore, and you and your partner can decide what feels fun and comfortable.  

What happens if you and your partner still don’t agree on incorporating role-play? 

It may be helpful to keep in mind that even after talking more about it, your partner may still not be interested in incorporating role-play into your relationships. If this is the case, and you still want to spice things up, you might consider asking him if there’s anything he wants to try. This could be anything from new positions, new places, adding in sex toys, or foreplay; anything he thinks could be used to heat things up. The key is for you both to be comfortable and on the same page. 

Whatever scene you star in, keep in mind that consent is essential. Clear communication can keep the experience fun and drama-free (unless that’s the vibe you’re going for, although you’ll still both want to consent to that first). Adding some humor or playfulness can also help keep things light. A cheesy line can break the ice and make role-play feel fun and less serious. 

Hope this makes the script a little clearer!